an awesome weekend at Sitio Malasa and Sitio Mabilog

Last November 20-21, 2010, I spent my weekend in Tarlac to be a part of the community development "Makipamuhay" prepared by SOCC and the Community Development Office together with the organization officers and leaders. Makipamuhay is basically, staying and living there (in Tarlac) for 2 days. Learn and adopting the way of living of the Aetas, appreciating what they have to offer and making them feel that somebody cares for them. We went to Tarlac, specifically in Sitio Mabilog and Sitio Malasa. I just brought 1 extra shirt, towel, toiletries, and pajamas. I reserved the spaces of my bag for the old clothes that I planned to give to my foster family. We reached there (at Sitio Malasa) at around 12 in the afternoon, then we ate lunch, little orientation and went to Sitio Mabilog which is 1 to 2 hours away.

Here are some of the pictures I took during my stay there:

We hiked for 1 hour and 30 minutes to get to Sitio Mabilog.

A tough road to take. Kids in Sitio Mabilog walked for 1-2 hours to Sitio Malasa to attend school.

Really tiring and exhausting but the sceneries were all worth it.

on the way to Sitio Mabilog. Slippery, unstable bridge.

Good thing I'm with my twin-best friend :)

I was supposed to go alone, but good thing, she was able to make it. I am most comfortable with her :)

After of almost 2 hours of hiking, we finally reached Sitio Mabilog. We stayed there for 5 hours, we just played with them, sang Christmas songs, and just enjoyed their company.

This is Jennylyn (Right) with her friend. She's my partner there. She's very shy but very sweet and she smiles a lot when I talk to her. She has the most amazing eyes. :) can you see?

The kids there were really energetic and full of life!

parents with their sons and daughters.

They prefer to be called "Kulots" at first, I was shocked. I thought they will be offended, but they said that that's better. Sometimes they talk like..."Kaming mga kulot at Kayong mga Unat"

Astig no? :)

It only shows na hindi sila takot kung anong meron sila, and how others will perceive them.

their past time, basketball :)

They remind me of two things in this picture: 1. Happiness can come in small things.

2. You look for your own happiness in small things.

.

As much as we still wanted to stay in Mabilog, we have to go back to Malasa because it's already getting dark and we still have to walk again for about 2 hours or so.

When we reached Malasa again, we were immediately, randomly distributed to the families who were going to adopt us.

I was the last one, among the girls who was called. Ma'am Abby said, "Diane, with blah blah, *forgot*

it turned out pala, the one who fetched me from the day care were my to-be siblings! 9, 8, and 6 years old. Wala pala akong parents. Then we walk already to our house that was 10 minutes away from the day care.

(Front)

This is where I stayed. On the left side of the picture, that's my bed.

No doors. and it was really really cold that I can't sleep.

Okay sige palusot ko lang ang lamig. hindi talaga ako nakatulog dahil feeling ko talaga may mananaggal na nasa paahan ko! nakakarinig ako ng mga creepy na sounds kahit na naka ipod nako! trying hard ako mag text sa kapatid ko and i was hoping that she's still up, pero wala na pala akong load! at ung sun phone ko wala ng batt! my gahd talaga, namamatay ako nong gabi! hahaha! but I survived! I was praying really really hard...like "Lord ayokoko pong mamatay sa ganitong paraan please, wag sa mananangal na nananatili paring mysterio sa akin kung paano nila na didigest ang mga taong kinakain nila ng nakahiwalay ang katawan."

and you know what happened next? I fell asleep, and soon I was dreaming.

I dreamt of my mother. weird.

(Back)

This is where they sleep. No doors, no CR, no electricity, and scarcity of water.

P.S. naligo ako! baka akala ninyo hindi! nambulabog ako ng kapit bahay ng 5am para lang makiligo! nag lakad ako ng 10 mins sa madilim na daan na may lecheng pusang itim na sumusunod! *hanggang ngayon minumura ko parin sa isip ko ang pusa na yon.

*siguro un ang manananaggal?? hmmn? :))

This is my foster family in Sitio Malasa. with my Lola Eliang.

with my siblings Jessica 9, Melanie 8 and Jayce 6.

They don't have their parents with them. only Lola Eliang. At this age, they already cook for themselves. they get leaves from trees and eat it for lunch or dinner. o diba. vegetarian! taaaaraaaay! :)

This is how they cook. *never mind my face*

I cooked and prepared dinner for them, just a simple dinner: Corned beef, Tuna, and Scrambled egg. It was their first time to eat corned beef and they were all excited! I was also thrilled for them! feeling ko naman ang galing galing ko magluto! dahil sa mata nila ako ay isang professional na cook! samantalang sa bahay, hanggang instant noodles lang ang kaya kong gawin hahaha!

Dinner time! kalaitlait man ang itsura ng corned beef ko, wala akong pake dahil inubos naman nila yon! haha at pinaghirapan kong hipanin ang apoy para lumakas! halos na ubos na ang tangke ng oxygen ko sa katawan ko!

We end the night with a beautiful program and prayed around the bonfire.

Day 2:

Everybody woke up early for the mass.

While waiting, I noticed a beautiful girl there who was about 9 or 10 years old. she was holding a baby. I asked her if she's the sister of the baby and she said yes. Then we just talked. I found out that she has 10 other siblings and only a mom to take care of them. She just went there because she wanted to see us and play with the other kids, so I took the baby from her and asked her to play for a while.

The cutest baby there :)

He's name is Aquino. nice huh? :)

After the mass, we all went home for lunch. I cooked noodles, corned beef again, tuyo, and eggs. After, I prepared my things bec. we have to leave already.

From left to right: Jessica, Melanie, Tricia, and Jayce.

I'll surely miss them.

Last picture with my siblings.

As the saying goes..."The problem with hello is goodbye"

I'll miss them.

Dolphins love freedom wall painting :)

Last November 19, 2010, we (my very good friend, Jho and I) were given an opportunity to be a part of the "Dolphins love freedom" campaign. Thanks to sir A.g. Saño for this wonderful experience :) we felt great after helping out and we had a lot of fun too! :)

One step at a time :)

Jho and I, painting :)

*taaaadaaaahhhh* :) by sir Ag with the help of Adamson students and of course, us :)

We rewarded ourselves afterwards with this yummy turon!

It's never too late to get yourself involve with these things. small acts can make a big difference. All you need is compassion :)

Dolphins and embracing life

Oceans are very close to my heart, along with all the mammals that lived there. The innocent-looking waves, soft sands, warm blowing wind, glittering deep blue green water against a brilliant blue sky makes it all perfect for me. I want it to be my home. It instantly makes my heart melt, literally. Ocean will always and always have a big space in my heart.

Ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to be a diver and clean up beaches, save giant clams, rescue dolphins and other marine mammals, they made me feel that I somehow belong there. (I am most comfortable with them compared to land-animals) that's why when I heard from a friend about dolphins massacre in Japan last year, I was like... "what the hell are these people doing?!" I have to do something to stop this madness! These people are brutally cruel, it's just so inhumane! How can they kill such innocent, intelligent and friendly mammals like dolphins?! I just can't sleep without doing something to help these mammals.

I also read this information from the SEA SHEPHERD CONSERVATION SOCIETY:

http://www.seashepherd.org/

The fishermen in villages like Taiji, go out in small boats to known dolphin migratory routes. Positioning their boats strategically, they space out to form a line and wait for the dolphins. When the dolphins arrive, the fishermen drop long metal pipes into the water, and by banging on the pipes they create a wall of sound. The sound interferes with the dolphins' ability to navigate - it disorients and panics them. The dolphins swim away from the sound, and the fisherman maneuver their boats herding them into a small shallow bay. Once in the bay, nets are drawn across the mouth of the bay to keep them penned in.
The fishermen usually injure a few of the captive dolphins with a spear thrust or a knife slash - dolphins will not abandon these wounded family members.

Trapped in the shallow water, the dolphins mill about trying to stay as far from land as possible until the next morning. In the morning, the fishermen draw the nets in, forcing the dolphins closer to shore where they kill them by stabbing and slashing them with knives and hooks. The dolphins thrash about for as long as six minutes each as they slowly bleed to death, turning the sea literally red with their blood.

After the massacre, the bodies of the dolphins are taken to a slaughter house to be butchered. The meat is severely contaminated but is sold without warnings in supermarkets in Japan - supermarkets often owned by US and European chains.

As far as I know, dolphins have helped humans in so many ways. Sometimes, dolphins have helped people in the ocean by protecting them from the attack of sharks.They have done this by swimming around the people and making sharks go away.Other stories tell about boats being saved by following dolphins during thick fog conditions until the clear off dangerous waters. So recently, I emailed WWF and asked how can I help to save the dolphins and I found out from Ma'am Maye Padilla that an AD in the INQUIRER showed that there will be a "GRAND DOLPHIN SHOW" at the Araneta Center next month! Dolphins from Indonesia will be exported in the Philippines and the show will be on a parking lot where dolphins will perform in front of a huge crowd and then will be transfered to their next location. Just imagine how the dolphins will be so uncomfortable there with all those people screaming and shouting and plus the over hotness of the sun! They will keep the dolphins in a shallow pool full of chlorine that will eventually harm the dolphins. So together with the WWF team, we put our hopes up and a lot of prayers that this event will not be pursued. To help, we can do the following:

Kindly contact Araneta Center to tell them to stop sponsorship of these shows:

Ma. Lorna Datiles-Fabian

Senior Leasing ManagerAraneta Center, Inc.9th Floor, Aurora Tower, Araneta Center...Quezon City 0810, PhilippinesTrunk Line: 911-3101 ext. 8313Direct Line: 912-8668Fax: 911-5328

VIA FACEBOOK:http://www.facebook.com/AranetaCenterhttp://www.aranetacenter.net/

2. Contact Department of Agriculture Secretary Proceso Alcala not to issue the import permits for the dolphins. (Note: Kindly send polite letters, thank you)

Also, recently, I volunteered to help sir A.g. Saño, an individual working with other individuals for a campaign. What they are doing now is trying to match the average number of dolphin kills per year in Japan which is 23,000. Since they started in May, they have now reached about 21,000 dolphins around the Philippines, plus Singapore and Malaysia. He invited me to help him paint a long wall in Cubao this coming Friday, so if you are free maybe you can come too! Spread the word and help save the dolphins!

between lines and spaces

A blank stares at me directly as I, look deeper to search for me. between lines and spaces, i feel lost and sacred. floating, waiting for me to be swallowed by the harsh, thin air. Life and Love speeds, flashing before my eyes. like pictures in a moving window car. i'm into a spinning circle where options and and chances are being throwed like swords. no time to think. no time to make mistakes. only yes or no. do or don't. risk or fall. live or die.


i, wished... to be in a place where, i could feel the sands of time in my toes, where i, could see raindrops bounce against my skin. where i, could clearly smell the fresh morning dew and where... i, could embrace freely the beautiful green pastures in my arms.


i, desire to be in a place where...rewards are like peonies and daffodils. where laughter of kids and comforting hugs are frozen in time. where i, could taste heaven in the tip of my tongue.


most especially...


i, longed to be in a place where i could be alone with my thoughts. a place where there is time for me to breathe, to appreciate, to love, to be patient and to be wise.


where tomorrows are not worries and where yesterdays are not regrets.

Malady

Have you ever felt something like… There’s something wrong within you that you don’t really know but somehow you know its long standing and lingering there? You can’t really pinpoint what it is or how long it’s been there or why it’s even there in the first place, all you know is that, there’s something there that makes you scared all the time… that makes you feel there’s something lacking. It’s like being familiar but then it feels indifferent.

One day I woke up feeling exactly like that. Different, daunting, broken hearted all at the same time and the hardest part in “feeling” this is, describing it, as hard as I struggle to try to write this down. I don’t know what words would exactly describe it or even define it but I hope you could bear with me. It’s like sadness and loneliness combined. It’s like an unhealed part of you, tapped after long years, it’s like you’re in a very familiar place but then you feel lost. It’s like a long sickness, a malady. A dangerous dejavu perhaps? Or a collage of doubt, vagueness, fear, and uncertainty. A picture of a clear mud.

It’s like a feeling of being stuck in a moment, running around an endless circle over and over again, and a rocky rollercoaster ride of emotions. You feel all of these, all at the same time. You close your eyes and struggle to find out what it is, you frustrate yourself with your fears and worries until both your mind and heart collides.

You try to go on with your life thinking it was nothing. You pretend to be okay, though you know it’s still hanging inside. You keep yourself busy to the point you don’t have a time to think of it. But time had passed, you thought you’re already good and done with it but then a day comes, something or someone would tap that part inside you that would make that “thing” alive again. You realize it’s not something that you could escape with. It’s something that would haunt you when you’re alone with your thoughts; it’s something that you should face with your eyes and heart open.

And you realize… all this time along…you know it. but you’re damn afraid (because you can’t accept the truth neither change the truth.) All you wonder now is to how to have a courage to face it because you know for sure that you’ll be a better person and you will be much much happier after.

Adil

Sometimes I wonder how big your heart could be,
for you to store so much love than we actually see...
A keeper but mostly a giver
someday I wish to be just like her
Though dreams on hold, traveling and searching ended,
like a warrior surrenders, heart is tested
still, faced and came to the battleground to be a hero,
a juggler balancing, struggling not to have a zero.

you broke your own wings, sometimes you almost die,
just so we could have ours... to fly and soar high.
The only person I know who could turn life's disaster into a beautiful memory
In you, we will always be winners & you'll forever be our trophy.
you're more than a mother that we wished for
you're our best friend forever that's for sure
I hate the fact that you have to feel twice or even thrice of our pain
but we both know we have to go through this to learn and gain.
We thank you for letting us go and be happy
to be hurt but never be lonely.

Tons of sacrifices are made
someday we wish to repay...
we may eventually find a new love someday,
but momma, remember this... you will forever be our first and last love every single day...

hubo't hubad

nakasalang na puwet, kumukuyakoy na mga paa... mga matang mataimtim na nagmamasid. bawat galaw, bawat kumpas ng mga bahagi, bawat detalye, pinagaaralan. korte ng mga labi-- mabilis ang galaw, iniiwasang kumurap. dahan-dahang pinagmamasdan. kinukubli ang inet ng araw. pawis na naguunahan. mainit na buntong hininga. lahat ay masid, atensyon mang hindi kasing silaw... uniti-unti namang hinuhubaran. bawat salita mo, binubuo ng imahinasyon ng iba... hinuhubog ka unti-unti.

pinaniniwalaan kung anong abot ng mata, hindi inaatubili kung may katotohanan o wala. mga tanong sa isip sabay-sabay na sumisiksik kahit ang katangisip ay hindi pahuhuli...

dahan-dahang dinudungisan, unti-unting pinipitasan...
walang kaalam-alam dangal na nababawasan...
isang araw magigising nalang hubo't hubad na ang katawan.

Alis volat propris

She puts a brave smile and face the world on her own
courageous warrior she has been
though tired from all the battles that seems to lose, but won. she hoped.
She knew she will never feel that feeling again.
This time it will be different. adjust. open arms to change.
she let her self go. go with the wind. wherever to take her.
She cuts her long brown hair,
don't care what others might say or think.
she owns her self and to no one.
explanation is no need, exemptions are still.
she made a decision, no one can break.
its not about you now.
its about time to take her back.
regain a new self. an updated version one.
jump off the cliff. don't care...
'alis volat propris'
she flies with her own wings.

Yesterday is not Today...

Wake up! the sun came out to see you!
don't hesitate you know you don' need a cue!
Open the windows and welcome the sunbeam with a smile :)
wear your favorite dress and drive til' you reach a mile.
coz' baby yesterday is not today

Turn up the stereo and make the volume loud!
but don't let yourself lose in the crowd,
wear your dancing shoes and let's get ready
keep on movin' let's not be steady
coz' honey yesterday is not today

So feel the raindrops in your skin
take risks who knows you might win
play the game of love and chances
and leave all your worries behind as your eyes closes
coz' sweetheart yesterday is not today

Sip your latte, watch your wife bloom like a flower
and see your children shower in laughter,
smell the fresh morning dew, see a feel-good movie with friends,
make a wish and let all the regrets just bend.
coz' yesterday is not today

Don't waste your life lookin' back
because time will never wait and it'll go with its tic-tac,
do what you know is right
let yourself flow and shine more than a light!
coz' yesterday will never be today!

Today is the day that I'll never get over with...

Today is the day that I'll never get over with...
for this is the day that I prayed and hoped that would never ever come.
not wanting to be ready.
it shouldn't.-- or we just couldn't. either way, it left us with tears in our eyes and hearts broken...

a day that we wished, we will never hear o see... or even felt.
we just couldn't take it...
you, having to leave,
you having to sacrifice,
you having to give us up,
you, having to break your own heart, just to come up with a single decision.
and you, having to leave your little comets, going nowhere or maybe, hopefully, somewhere.
somewhere. for you. for us.

do you know that?....
I hoped you know...
how many of us lost our fathers...but gained one in your love.
how many of us lost our faith, but gained one in your courage and strength.
how many of us turned into little boys and girls once again, waiting for you to tell how much you are proud of us, no matter how small and insignificant the accomplishment maybe.
how many of us turned into chickens, crying like babies. losing control. but hell with the prides. these pearls rushing down our eyes are for you... you showed us how to let go of it, let the feelings show, for you'll never know, maybe you'll miss your chance.
and do you know that?...
i hoped you know...
how many of us turned from nobody into somebody... just because... you were there for us and that's all we need to make a difference.

It's gonna hurt like hell for sure... a sure hit straight to the heart and even beyond that...
but we know now, there's no turning back. this is the only way to go. for you to be happy. the right thing to do...
we'll try to make this easy for you...
we'll try to be better. even the best. for you. for us. we love you.

*for Prof. Andres Julio Santiago

tunnel vision

image from google

That tunnel vision you always have,
kept me amaze and mesmerized.
so focus.
so determined.
so eager.
so passionate.

One day, I prayed, someday to be there.
at the end of the tunnel.
the only focus. the only clear point.
wishing the only thing you could see is me, and me to you.
selfish it may seem,
no more. no less.

Miracles happen, they say...
that day came, where, I found myself inside the tunnel with you...
sharing the same scope,
building random dreams with irresistible giggles and laughs,
senseless smiles and warm hugs.
Holding hands inside a sweating, unending circle.
kissing under an old, leaking tunnel.
so happy.
so free.
so in love.
and so real...
a true beauty that shines within two people as one.

For quite some time, the only world exist is us.
perfect in every way,
like a dreamer, a wanderer found their destination in delight, with an incredible, wonderful journey.
promising forever in the middle of a golden sunset, embracing the patient green meadows
and the wind that kisses every little leaves dancing as if giving their own blessing to the lovebirds.

But twist of fate happens when you least expect it...
I forgot I'm not the only one who could stand at the tip of the circle...
things that differ in color and nature passes and shines like a shooting star,
steals your attention from me.
seeing you like a child begging for more.

and with that, I, instantly becomes a dirt blur.
and sooner more than later, becomes invisible in your sight.

Everything that's beautiful in us,
our love, our faith,
and all the dreams beyond what the eyes can see,
crashed down like a wave tossed in the shore.

Never thought that that same vision I used to love...
will be the one who will block me out.
who, in return,

wiped us out...

puno ng pagmamahal...

Ako ma'y pinipilit na sinusugatan at ginuguhitan

kamay mo'y hindi parin bibitawan...
marami mang bagyo ang dadaan,
ang pagmamahal ko sayo'y hindi magiging nakaraan...
testigo ang mga ugat ko sa paa at kamay,
pati narin ang buhok kong nalalagas at nag iibang kulay...
magkabunga man tayo o wala,
asahan mong ako'y hindi mawawala.
itinanim na ang sarili sayo
dahil ayaw ko nang humanap pa at lumayo.
Hindi man hawak ang panahon,
mayroon naman tayong araw-araw na mag hapon.
magkwekwentuhan.
magtititigan.
maghahalakhakan.
magiiyakan.
at kung minsan ay magaaway at magkakatampuhan.
pero...

araw-araw na mag mamahalan.
muli.
at muli.
paulit ulit.
hindi mag sasawa.

dahil 'ikaw'
'tayo'....

ang lagi kong
pupunoin ng pagmamahal...

G

He's an angel...
but he doesn't have any wings...
He's my hero in pajama,
with his super powers in his watch.
He's my prince in the bathtub,
with his rubber duckies as his soldiers...
I'll be his princess to save
but with a wand that make...
his smiles that never turned into stones
his cries that shakes the world...
a thief that stoles my heart
a dreamer that wanders with the stars...

batang Camiguin

Dalawang tsinelas

Dalawang oras

Dalawang karga ng pagod...

Dalawang lapis

Dalawang pandesal

Dalawang baldeng tagaktak ng pawis...

tandaan mo hindi ka rin niya pinili

Pinili mo ang sarap
ngunit hindi ang saklap
sinubukan mong itanggi
dahil hindi pa naman daw gaanong malaki
ayaw mong makarinig ng iyak
kaya't pilit na itinulak
ayaw dalhin
dahil ayaw tanggapin
Pilit na binabaon sa limot
ngunit hindi parin makalimot.

ngunit, subalit, datapwa't
sa likod ng iyong utak gustong sulyapin...
maaring hanapin at kung pwede pa nga't yakapin
mga tanong sa isipan kung paano siya ngumiti
at ano ang kanyang mga minimithi
kunwari ay nakangisi
pero ang totoo ay nagsisisi

Alam mong maraming maaring maging
at alam mong sususbukan pang maging magaling
Kung binigyan mo lang sana ng pagkakataon
ang matagal mo ng binaon
maaring manunulat, doktor, pintor o pulis
o di kaya naman kahit tagatak lang ng pawis
Ang unang pagpadiyak ng bisikleta
o paglaruan manlang ang mga kariton at tela...
Alam mong kayang magtagumpay
sa tulong ng iyong gabay.

Sana nga'y nakakita ng bahaghari
ngunit sa ksamaang palad ay hindi binahagi.
sinabi mong hindi lang magiging maganda ang buhay
kaya't pinili mong tanggalan ng kulay
Lahat ng panggarap, saya, at pagmamahal ay hindi naranasan
dahil sa iyong kalupitan
Tunay ngang hindi pantay pantay
ang pagpili ng maagang buhay...

hindi mo man siya pinili at ginusto...
sana naisip mo... hindi ka rin niya...

....

picture from Google

time, may sariling time frame ba?

*isinulat ito noong season ng mga break-up last year.

Maraming naghihiwalay na mag kasintahan dahil daw hindi tama ang oras. Hindi ko alam kung palusot lang nila yon o gusto lang hanapan ng magandang pagbubuntungan e, pero doon ata na derive yung ka sabihang "we have the right love at the wrong time" sabi nga ng mga ibang nagmamagaling na nilalang... "There's a time for everything" daw. at sabi nga doon sa isang pelikulang pinagaksayahan ko ng 300 pesos e, ang pag-ibig daw, may sariling time frame, hindi daw pwedeng ipilit. Siguro nga tama, naisip ko lang at kung pwede ko lang tanungin... Kung totoo ngang may sariling time frame ang pag mamahal ibig sabihin ba non may expiration date? tipong parang time's up pass your papers ganon?! e pano kung hindi sapat yung time frame na binigay ng mga bathala para sa dalawang taong nagmamahalan? kasalanan bang huminge na kaunting palugid? Kung may totoong time frame ang pagmamahal... Kailan mo masasabi na tama na ang panahon na iyon para sa inyong dalawa? at hanggang kailan mag tatagal ang "tamang panahon" na iyon para sa iyong dalawa? At kung pag mamahal may sariling time frame... ang time ba may sarili ring time frame?

gusto ko malaman ang mga sagot sa mga katanunganna to' hindi dahil gusto ko lang magkaroon ng katapusan ang pagiging mangmang ko dito kung hindi gusto ko rin maging handa sa mga darating na pagmamahal... naks! hahah

Nagkausap kami ng kaibigan kong si golda, nasabi niya sakin "ang daya naman, namiss ko nanaman ang chance ko!" masakit man isipin, kadalasan sa buhay... iisa lang ang pagkakataon na ibinibigay sa atin ng tadhana. bahala ka na kung kukunin mo o hindi. Malimit lang ang pagkakataong na nagkakaroon ng pangalawang pag kakataon *ano raw?!* Sabi ko nga sa kaibigan ko, sana mayroong remote control na kung saan pwede tayo mag rewind pag nasakatan tayo, at pwede iforward pag ayaw na natin ang eksena. pero pasalamat rin tayo na wala, dahil kung mayroong ganon, malaking pursyento na hindi tayo matuto. pero kahit ganoon... gusto kong isipin na possibleng magkita ang dalawang tao sa iisang panaginip, sa parehong panahon, at sa limitadong pagkakataon. isang lugar kung saan pwede sila ulit magkita. second chance narin siguro, pero kadalasan, second chance hindi para mag simula ulit, kung di' para ayusin ang ending.pero hindi tulad sa mga pelikula kung saan laging nag kikita ang leading man at leading lady parati by coincidence! kanibukasan lang pag katapos magkakilala magkikita ulit sila by chance sa mrt, sa ilalaim ng punong mangga, o kung saan saan na merong mga fountain, fireworks, at romatikong kanta. syit yun! at kalokohan ding parehas sila parati ng kulay ng suot! para kunwari meant to be daw! epal! Naniniwala akong kahit maliit ang mundo, nagiging malaki naman ito pag dating sa paghahanap ng minamahal...

At dahil sa ang dami kong pinaniniwalaan sa buhay maliban sa mga aswang at mga katang isip, naniniwala rin akong, minsan at kadalasan iisa lang ang chansa mo sa halos lahat ng importanteng bagay. kaya't kung pakiramdam mong kaya mong makipagsapalaran at masugatan para lang makuha iyong bagay na yon, kunin mo na, sapagkat wala ka namang bagay na hindi mo kayang isugal kung hindi mo naman ito mahal. Paalala kaibigan, mabuti ng mahulog sa bangin kesa naman mabagsakan ng ufo dahil sa hindi pag galaw dahil sa takot. Mabuti ng sumubok at mabigo kesa naman sa hindi ka nag tangka. naalala ko nga doon sa isang report ng kaklase ko *yes naman nakikinig ako!* "Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sail.Explore. Dream. Discover." Kung sino man ang nagsabi nito, pasensya na at hindi kita kilala pero bilib ako sayo dahil pwede kang pampalit kay kuya kim sa matanglawin :)

Tingin ko ganoon ka din dapat katapang pag dating sa pag-ibig. Tulad ng isang motto kong sapilitang ipinaglaban sa isang beauty contest "You shall pass this place but once, therefore, if there's anything that I can do to my fellowmen, let me do it now, for I shall not return haha!" kaya nga let's stop often and enjoy the view. Masarap mainlove, pero masarap ang patuloy na naiinlab!!! hanep! pakshet! bwiset! Kaya kung may maiibibigay kayong pagmamahal... ibigay niyo na sakin. chos! Basta mga dude, gawin niyo lang ang tingin niyong dapat gawin. Kung may oportunidad kang paligayahin siya, gooo! maging oportunista ka! Sabi nga ng taong minsan na nagpatibok sa aking puso *ayee. hehe may you rest in peace* kalokohan daw ang kasabihan na "if you love her set her free" kasi para sakanya, kung mahal mo ang isang tao, huwag mo na itong pakawalan. pero labs, may sad part doon e. paano kung hindi talaga siya masaya sayo diba? doon tayo talo. salpak ang mukha sa inidoro. basag. anyway... may kanya kanya naman tayong opinyon tungkol diyan. basta ang masasabi ko lang...may time frame man o wala, mag mahal ka ng tunay. kung hindi mo rin naman mabibigay ang buong pag mamahal mo, huwag mo nalang ituloy. huwag kang papasok sa isang relasyon nang hindi ka sigurado sa nararamdaman mo, dahil mahirap yon. tandaan mo pakner, bilang lang ang oras. huwag na natin itong sayangin sa maling tao.

P.S. ibinabahagi ko ito sa mga taong nainlab na, sumusubok mainlab, pinipilit mainlab, gustong mainlab, at pati narin sa mga taong tapos na mainlab. at sa isang taong minsan na nagpatibok ng puso ko ngunit hindi pinayagan ni tadhana.

usapang ligaw sa toilet bowl

Isang araw sa cafeteria sa iskwelahan namin kung saan matatagpuan ang napakamahal na omelet ngunit puro keso lang ang laman, habang kumakain ng pinagbabawal na pagkain, out of nowhere, bigla ko nalang natanong sa aking kaibigan na mukhang cartoon ang tanong na ito... "paano mo malalaman kung naliligaw ka na? o kung papaunta ka na doon sa lugar kung saan maliligaw ka na?" sumagot naman ng mabilisan ang kaibigan kong si hello kitty "hindi mo malalaman yun unless nandoon ka na" napatigil ako. hindi dahil sa nabigla ako sa nassabi niya kung di' dahil pinoproseso ko pa sa utak ko ang kanyang sinabi. gusto ko sanang namnamin ang mga bawat salita na kanyang binitawan pero napaisip ako bigla kung bakit ko natanong ang tanong na yun sa gitna ng nagmamahalang omelet at limitadong oras ng pagrereview bago mag final exam. ayun naalala ko! naitanong ko pala yun sapagkat noong kinagabihan ng araw na yun, nadedejavu ako... sa isang bagay, isang lugar kung saan parati akong nawawala. Noong gabing iyon naisip ko, bakit ba may mga taong nag sasabi na kailnagn muna nilang hanapin ang mga sarili nila... napaisip ako kung paano nila nalaman, o malalaman na mawawala na sila, o kung papunta na sila doon, at kung paano nila sisimulan hanapin ang mga nasabing sarili... at kung nahanap na nga nila ang sarili nila, anong gagawin nila pag katapos non? athigit pa non, saan at paano nilang natagpuan na nga nila ang kanilang mga sarili? Hindi ako nakatulog noong gabing iyon dahil pinipilit kong pinipiga ang kakaramput kung utak na maglabas ng taeng sagot. sumikat na ang araw hindi ko parin nakuha ang sagot.

Madalas noong mga bata pa kami lagi kaming tinatanong ng aming mga magulang kung ano ang gusto namin maging pag laki.

Mama: anak, ano gusto mo maging pag laki mo?
Ahya: maging taxi driver!
papa: oo maganda yon anak, hindi ko na kailangan magover time!
me: maging doctor ma!
*hai salamat may nakuha akong anak na may mataas na pangarap. *ehem*
meme: maging yaya ma!
*wow. how charming.

Pero nangmaktutong akong ng grade skul, umiba ng umiba ang aking gusto dahil napagtanto ko na maraming kailangan aralin pag doktor ka at hindi ko kayang makakita ng mga lumuluwal na mata, natatapias na tenga, at tinatahing bibig tuwing bagong taon kaya naman naglaan ako ng oras para isipin mabuti ang bago kong gusto.

gusto ko maging inbentor! pulis! assassin! at ninja! ayoooos! may bago na kong pangarap!

Nagbago ang mga pangarap na to' noong nakatungtong ako ng hi-skul kasabay ang paglipat ng eskwelahan, nagbago rin ang aking mga gusto. hindi ko alam kung anong laman lupa na sumapi sa akin noon pero naging babae ako kaunti kumilos kahit na ang sapatos ko noon at binili sa boys seksyon ng mga pre-teens kung saan may ninja turtle ang desenyo at de sintas pa! nalaman kong noon na gusto ko maging interior designer, o kaya fashion desginer, pintor o kahit anong walang kinalaman sa mathematics. Napansin ko kasi ang hilig ko noon sa arts doon lang kasi ako umeexcel maliban sa christian living. Pag katutong ko ng 4th year. ayan patayan na. sukatan na ng mga isip. may bonus pang kailngan mamili. anak ng tinapa. ang hirap mamili! yun ang pinaka ayoko e, un tipong kailangan mo gumawa ng desisyon na dapat libong beses mo pinagisipan dahil ito ang magdidkta ng iyong kapalaran at kung saan ka pupulutin balang araw. pinagpapawasisan ako ng malamig. parang deal or nbo deal. its now or never ang drama.

doon ko nalaman na matagal na pala akong ligaw. sa dami kong gustong gawin at marating sa buhay ko, hindi ko alam kung ano talaga ang gusto ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit at kung saang puno ko pipitasin ang mga sagot sa mga katanungan ko.

tik-tak tik-tak........................

krooooooooooooo.............krooooooooooo............

ang tagaaaaaaaaalllllllllll............

ano ba ang gusto ko???

kailangan hanapin ko ang sarili ko at ang gusto ko.

Dahil wala akong pera para mag bayad sa detective para hanapin ang sarili ko, nag mistulang ermitanyo ako at nag lakbay mag-isa. sabi ko sa sarili ko: "patay ka sakin, pag na huli kita, hinding hindi na kita papakawalan" ayon. nag punta kong patunguong mundo ng kawalan kung saan ang daan papunta roon ay madilim, makipot, at mahirap. makalipas ang ilang taon, sumuko rin ako. sumakay ako ng jeep pauwi, sa pwesto sa bandang dulo, ang paborito kong pwesto kung saan ako nakakapagteleport. nakarating ako sa bahay at dumeretso kay mr,. toilet bowl para magbigay galang. umupo ako at nag-isip kahit na yun ang pinaka ayaw kong gawin.

Umalis ako kasama ng ako. Umuwi ako kasama ng ako. walang nangyari. Kung sino ang umalis, yun din ang bumalik. naligaw pa.

May nangyari ba?

sapalgay ko meron. bukod sa napuno ng polusyon ang aking ilong, nalamann ko ang sagot ay makukuha mo din sa sarili mo. Kailangan mo lang siguro buksan ang puso mo para malaman kung ano talaga ang laman nito. kung hindi mo parin alam, subukan mo namang buksan ang kidney at atay mo baka naroon ang sagot, wag ka magabagag *mali ata spelling* o basta don't worry malalaman mo rin yun.

Sa opinyon ko, mahalaga na malaman mo kung sino ka at kung anong gusto mo. para lubusang maging masaya. hindi ba yun naman ang hinahangad ng karamihan sa atin? ang maging masaya? may mga bagay tayong sinasakripisyo para makuha ang kaligayahan, mga bagay na isinasantabi para makamit ito at bagay na binbitawan para lang mahawakan ito ng buong buo. Kailangan mong makilala kung sino ka para malaman mo kung ano at kung saan ka sasaya. Dapat may saya para may sigla ka sa mga bagay na gagawin mo, para makulay ang sinabawang gulay at higit sa lahat para maasam mo kung ano ang minimithi mo.

P.S. nakikipag session parin ako kay toilet bowl :)

P.S.S. hindi mo kailangan mag madali para hanapin ito,. take your time :)

photo & drawn by: Von Richthofen Kwok