Malady

Have you ever felt something like… There’s something wrong within you that you don’t really know but somehow you know its long standing and lingering there? You can’t really pinpoint what it is or how long it’s been there or why it’s even there in the first place, all you know is that, there’s something there that makes you scared all the time… that makes you feel there’s something lacking. It’s like being familiar but then it feels indifferent.

One day I woke up feeling exactly like that. Different, daunting, broken hearted all at the same time and the hardest part in “feeling” this is, describing it, as hard as I struggle to try to write this down. I don’t know what words would exactly describe it or even define it but I hope you could bear with me. It’s like sadness and loneliness combined. It’s like an unhealed part of you, tapped after long years, it’s like you’re in a very familiar place but then you feel lost. It’s like a long sickness, a malady. A dangerous dejavu perhaps? Or a collage of doubt, vagueness, fear, and uncertainty. A picture of a clear mud.

It’s like a feeling of being stuck in a moment, running around an endless circle over and over again, and a rocky rollercoaster ride of emotions. You feel all of these, all at the same time. You close your eyes and struggle to find out what it is, you frustrate yourself with your fears and worries until both your mind and heart collides.

You try to go on with your life thinking it was nothing. You pretend to be okay, though you know it’s still hanging inside. You keep yourself busy to the point you don’t have a time to think of it. But time had passed, you thought you’re already good and done with it but then a day comes, something or someone would tap that part inside you that would make that “thing” alive again. You realize it’s not something that you could escape with. It’s something that would haunt you when you’re alone with your thoughts; it’s something that you should face with your eyes and heart open.

And you realize… all this time along…you know it. but you’re damn afraid (because you can’t accept the truth neither change the truth.) All you wonder now is to how to have a courage to face it because you know for sure that you’ll be a better person and you will be much much happier after.