between lines and spaces

A blank stares at me directly as I, look deeper to search for me. between lines and spaces, i feel lost and sacred. floating, waiting for me to be swallowed by the harsh, thin air. Life and Love speeds, flashing before my eyes. like pictures in a moving window car. i'm into a spinning circle where options and and chances are being throwed like swords. no time to think. no time to make mistakes. only yes or no. do or don't. risk or fall. live or die.


i, wished... to be in a place where, i could feel the sands of time in my toes, where i, could see raindrops bounce against my skin. where i, could clearly smell the fresh morning dew and where... i, could embrace freely the beautiful green pastures in my arms.


i, desire to be in a place where...rewards are like peonies and daffodils. where laughter of kids and comforting hugs are frozen in time. where i, could taste heaven in the tip of my tongue.


most especially...


i, longed to be in a place where i could be alone with my thoughts. a place where there is time for me to breathe, to appreciate, to love, to be patient and to be wise.


where tomorrows are not worries and where yesterdays are not regrets.

Malady

Have you ever felt something like… There’s something wrong within you that you don’t really know but somehow you know its long standing and lingering there? You can’t really pinpoint what it is or how long it’s been there or why it’s even there in the first place, all you know is that, there’s something there that makes you scared all the time… that makes you feel there’s something lacking. It’s like being familiar but then it feels indifferent.

One day I woke up feeling exactly like that. Different, daunting, broken hearted all at the same time and the hardest part in “feeling” this is, describing it, as hard as I struggle to try to write this down. I don’t know what words would exactly describe it or even define it but I hope you could bear with me. It’s like sadness and loneliness combined. It’s like an unhealed part of you, tapped after long years, it’s like you’re in a very familiar place but then you feel lost. It’s like a long sickness, a malady. A dangerous dejavu perhaps? Or a collage of doubt, vagueness, fear, and uncertainty. A picture of a clear mud.

It’s like a feeling of being stuck in a moment, running around an endless circle over and over again, and a rocky rollercoaster ride of emotions. You feel all of these, all at the same time. You close your eyes and struggle to find out what it is, you frustrate yourself with your fears and worries until both your mind and heart collides.

You try to go on with your life thinking it was nothing. You pretend to be okay, though you know it’s still hanging inside. You keep yourself busy to the point you don’t have a time to think of it. But time had passed, you thought you’re already good and done with it but then a day comes, something or someone would tap that part inside you that would make that “thing” alive again. You realize it’s not something that you could escape with. It’s something that would haunt you when you’re alone with your thoughts; it’s something that you should face with your eyes and heart open.

And you realize… all this time along…you know it. but you’re damn afraid (because you can’t accept the truth neither change the truth.) All you wonder now is to how to have a courage to face it because you know for sure that you’ll be a better person and you will be much much happier after.